What Anxiety Feels Like….for me.

So, I’ve heard many people say that certain things give them anxiety or they are about to have a melt-down. Sometimes I look at “these” people and wonder if they actually know what they are talking about.

Do you know what it feels like to have your mind race with a million thoughts, have to make lists daily to get tasks out of your brain, have to take medication to function “normally”, to have to repeat to myself it’s only a panic attack- you will not die…. Now I’m not saying “these” people do not have anxiety symptoms as anxiety is apart of life and some anxiety is helpful in certain situations…. my body tends to go into flight or fight mode at the drop of a hat for no reason whatsoever. My heart beats rapidly, my heart skips a beat, I become dizzy, my breath is short, my face goes numb…. I always thought I was going to die; that I was having a heart attack or stroke. I do not wish this awful feeling on my worst enemy. It’s not only an awful feeling but a feeling of pure loneliness. I was surrounded by people who didn’t understand.

I have had panic/anxiety attacks since I was about twenty-one years old. I had a stressor in my life that brought it to the surface. I have always been a high strung person with racing thoughts, compulsive thoughts with a touch of OCD. As a person that lives with this, I have come to accept that I will live with anxiety for the rest of my life. It’s how my chemistry in my body is made.

It’s how I am made.

As I am writing this, I am having a panic attack. For the last year, I have decided to write in a journal every time I have a panic attack. I have several journals at my house. Instead of keeping this to myself, I decided to write on my blog during tonight’s panic attack. Writing helps calm me. It organizes my brain. It makes sense of my lists. It makes me seem less insane. For people who do not understand anxiety, you won’t get it. You don’t get it or understand it unless you struggle with it. There are times I struggle to get out of bed, days where I want to sleep all day if I could shut my mind off. Even though I manage my anxiety much better than a year ago doesn’t mean I don’t still have days crippled with anxiety.

Since writing this my heart rate has slowed down, breathing returned to normal, mind stopped racing. For me writing helps. If you are reading this and can relate I hope you find something that helps calm your mind and eases your anxiety. ❤️


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