The Gritty Stuff

I feel…….drained and on empty.

That’s if we are being honest.

I always say I feel fine when asked how I am. That’s my go to safe answer. I always smile when I say it. In my head, I don’t think anyone who asks me how I am doing wants the real answer. We as people as that question to be polite. If I told you how I really feel, I would scare you away.

Do you honestly want to know what’s really going on in my head? Do you want to know about my compulsions, my lists of things I think I should do even though I already made that list fifteen times, how you’ll and poke at my stomach fat, how I pick at my skin, how I think awful things about my looks- the list goes on. My mind is my worst enemy.

I have been fairly happy lately- more so than I have ever been…. but anxiety rears its ugly head at the moment when I think things are going to be alright. My life has been stable lately- paying off debt and setting financial goals, cleaning and parting with items I don’t need, eating healthy, working out and doing yoga consistently, and my personally life is getting better…. more stable. Then my mind runs off with past thoughts…. things that happened to me in the past that others did. Now these people are out of my life but my mind convinces me that others are capable of doing awful things (even though they act the exact opposite).

My mind makes no sense sometimes. I don’t get why I’m still like this, why I still think ill towards others. I don’t mean it. My mind just runs with this elaborate thoughts. Because these things my mind thinks have happened to me….. I could write a lifetime movie and I would cast Tiffani Amber Theissen to play me 🙂

But seriously I could write a book about my life. I’ve been through a lot and have seen a lot for my being 32 years old. I have been writing some, just experiences I remember just in case I do write a book. It’s good just to get these thoughts out of my head. And I’m not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m writing this to get this thought out of my head and to help anyone who feels this too. ❤️

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therealjordansparks

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