Patch it up or there will come a flood

I don’t know about you but rainy weather makes me happy but also brings out some things that I have patched up but haven’t healed or “fixed” completely.

I rent a place. I have had the same area in the roof leak during heavy consistent rain for the last year or so. I was taking a hot bath tonight and just listening to the leak hit the pan below and thinking if only the area was actually fixed and not just patched would it not leak. Then it hit me, if I fix things in my personal life instead of placing patches then I would not only be “fixed” but I would be healed. Now, I’m not saying that I haven’t been working on myself the last few years because I certainly have…. I’m just saying that I’m not finished. I have been cleaning closets literally that were filled with items from my past…things that do not serve me anymore. I cleaned and organized my garage- something that has been on my list for years. I made a dentist appointment finally after not going for two years- not because I don’t have insurance because I do but because I made the excuse of “not having time.” So I made the time to call and make the appointment. Next on my list is changing my last name back to Sparks. It will be a long process I know but something that needs to be done so I’ll be back to myself again. I haven’t completely felt like myself since my divorce or really since before I was married. I’m finally back to how I used to act, how I used to feel… and now I just want my last name back on everything that is mine. The receptionist for the dentist asked me which name that I go by and I couldn’t even think of an answer. I don’t feel like I’m either… like I’m in the middle. Well, I don’t want to be in the middle anymore. I want to be me…all of me.

It’s so funny how the rain brings things that need change… like it attempts to wash me clean. It brings things to surface…things that I have not thought about in years.

I’m ready to break free…. and be me!


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