Never Have I Ever

I never get mushy or show my emotions.

I hold emotions inside myself, until I cannot hold them anymore and I explode- usually in an angry way and never at the person I should have that conversation with.

Communication has always been an issue for me. I used to just stay quiet and avoid conflict. It was easier for me. If a friend had an issue with me- I would stay quiet, if a wrong was committed against me- I would stay quiet, if someone hurt me- I would stay quiet….

the word CONFLICT just makes me uneasy.

Now, I am great at putting words onto paper, words on a blog, etc but when it comes to verbally expressing myself, I get anxious- knots in my stomach, face becomes red, my heart pounds out of my chest and I become weak and dizzy.

That was the old me. The new me is trying to communicate better, think before I speak…

I have grown so much the last few years.

I will actually express to you what I want. I will tell you if you hurt me…..

But why is it so difficult for me to express when I’m anxious or depressed? Why do I feel like I have to hide it? Why must I feel like everything has to be perfect? Why won’t my mind SHUT UP sometimes?

I am asking myself these questions as I finally lay down to go to bed. I haven’t sat down since getting home around 6:30 tonight. I keep myself “busy”. I’m sure it’s a coping mechanism for avoiding whatever I need to accomplish. I always have a list or am making a list… my mind is a constant list. I am almost 100 percent sure I have OCD. I check my doors at least 5 times before go to bed, I make constant lists, I constantly clean even when my house is spotless.

Honestly, I’m sleep deprived, in physical pain, and anxious. I’m not really sure what I wanted this Blog Post to be about or the route it’s taking. I just kept writing whatever comes to mind.

RANDOM

This is what it’s like to inhabit my mind- it’s complete and utter chaos. I figure if you looked in my mind all you could see are letters, words, and fragments. I start one thing and then I go to another before I finish the first project.

I’m constantly moving. You know how exhausting that is?

My current obsession is my weight and how I look. I have had low back and hip pain lately and I’m taking some time to heal which means not working out… that is killing me. I feel like I now weight a ton. I know I haven’t gained any weight by how my clothes fit I just feel like I have gained. It’s all in my head. For me exercising helps my mood, my depression. The last three weeks have been depressing. This weekend was a low one… my back was in excruciating pain. I could barely walk. I had to rest this weekend which is so difficult for me. I feel like I have to constantly move, constantly clean to feel productive. Like the cleanliness of my house determines how good of a person I am. I thought about what I haven’t been doing- yoga and circuit training. I follow a lot of healthy, workout pages on social media so that doesn’t help with my depression. Looking at bikinis doesn’t help my depression and most importantly looking in the mirror doesn’t help my depression.

I’m not writing this for you to feel sorry for me. Just expressing how I feel. Most people think I’m always happy but behind my smile is a lot of darkness.

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therealjordansparks

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