Today was the first day back to work from having four days off. It was a difficult day filled with mixed emotions, anxiety, and overall unhappiness. I dwelled on this all day. I have not been unhappy in a true sense in a long time.
I have bad days like everyone in this planet but a true sense of unhappiness I don’t usually have. This really bothered me today. Now the weather was dreary today, I missed my 5am coffee and meditation time and did not style my hair much less wash it. Basically my self care did not happen this morning. Since I didn’t care for myself I could not care for others fully like I need to be able to. I felt like I half showed up today to work….. I never wanted to be that kind of therapist and early in my career vowed to not be like that…. but here I am.
I did discuss this with several people over the last several months- a lot of people understand and reached out with ideas- change of setting, change of career, time off, etc I’ve done the change of setting before and yes it does help… time off doesn’t really help, or doesn’t help me and change of career is something always in the back of my mind. Writing does help with organization of these thoughts which then helps my feeling my of helplessness. Setting goals and having something obtainable to focus on helps as well. I have found that setting goals in general not only helps with my feelings of work issues but also helps increase my mood in my personal life. I started Couch to 5k yesterday- I’ve wanted to run a 5k for several years but was always told that I most likely could not finish it. Well I decided to just do it. I am a firm believer that I can do anything if my mind is set in a positive direction! My first day of Couch to 5k was not as bad as I thought and believe I can do this! Also the burst of endorphins after this was AMAZING. So this is something I want to add to the many workouts I enjoy and most importantly keep me healthy!
Something that keeps me from my healthiest potential is negative thoughts towards the opposite sex….now I will say since I’ve started dating someone exclusively my thoughts of men are getting more positive, but I’ll have a negative thought every now and then. Last night, after my run, gym time, hot bath and laundry I chose to wind down and watch a movie to relax. I resorted to Netflix to find a movie… I found an interesting movie called Bad Match- basically about an online dating site involving a swipe and how one guy who uses it for one night stands and ghost women makes a bad match with the wrong women who becomes obsessive. I had to turn it off even though it was for entertainment purposes. It brought back memories of dating after my divorce. I will just say dating in the modern world is quite awful! Every dating site is awful filled with robots, married men, emotionally unavailable men, and the guy only looking for one thing. I turned off the movie after about twenty minutes so I didn’t get to the part where the girl was obsessive. Basically the first twenty minutes consisted of the guy swiping and sleeping with a new girl every night while using the same exact cheesy pick up line about her drink aura. Now if some guy used that line on me I would walk out of the date. Now I’m not saying women are innocent in dating, I’m just reporting my own experience. I like to think I’m nice overall and a good catch but still ended up falling for complete jerks! Now I’m not saying dating sites don’t work because I did meet my current boyfriend off one, I’m just saying I had to go through a lot of interesting experiences, hurtful experiences to find him. Now all those experiences were worth it and I learned from each one. I kept a journal of my experiences with dating sites… you should have seen the crude messages I received! I think the internet has made our society rude, less interactive in person, and a feeling of entitlement. For example, one guy who I went in just ONE date with expected a roll in the sheets after taking me out to a fancy dinner. I really wasn’t surprised as he gave off a douchey vibe but appalled since I have not experienced that first hand before. Then after I declined nicely, he expressed that I have an inability to connect to the opposite sex. Now, I won’t lie that hurt my feelings briefly but then I thought about what he said… I connect just fine to people in my life. Now I am a little guarded but that is because of men like this. I just don’t let anyone in my life or in my pants to be honest. Let’s just say there was no second date… sucks for him since he lost out on someone great. Luckily for me he showed his true colors in less than 24 hours… most men do. Now, the only regret I made that night was wasting a new dress on that occasion! But I’m a believer of going through situations for a reason… I’m a stronger person for it and I now what qualities to look for in a partner… and I found someone!