The last one to two weeks have been challenging. Nothing particularly big has happened… I’ve just been doing some thinking…which always gets me in some sort of trouble.
Before we dive into this anymore, let’s take a step back in my past.
I have a failed marriage, I have never owned a home, I don’t have children…. I just feel like I’m late to the party of life. I always said life is like the game Monopoly and those who know me know I can’t play Monopoly to save my life and I usually have a meltdown in the middle of the game. See, I’ll start out thinking and strategizing the game. Then I either get too careful or too reckless and start slowly making mistakes and spin out of control…just like life.
I always compare my life to Monopoly…and I have yet to win at it.
It seems like I can’t win at life either… failed marriage, incapable of saving, I rent a place to live instead of own, I have yet to have children. Now, I will say, the last three years my life has really come together but things are still missing. A slew of issues lately have made me fall back into this rut of focusing on what I don’t have…this weekend was a low for me. A weekend of crying and a feeling of failure. In the first time in a long time I prayed… like actually prayed, not the cooking cutter praying. The not knowing the perfect thing to say, and just praying for a peace to come over me. Late Sunday night that happened. It seemed my thoughts were put into order instead of clutter in my brain and a clutter on lists on a notepad by my bed.
Now, I’m still recovering from the attempted break-in into my duplex. I’m still on edge about that…not feeling safe in my home, jumping at every noise, seeing everything as a threat. When my boyfriend is here that feeling goes away and I can sleep and relax. This weekend there was a short in my bathroom that has yet to be fixed… the breaker that was turned off because of it, I didn’t realize went to my refrigerator/freezer so all my food was ruined since I didn’t realize this until two days after the fact. I turned the breaker back on but this doesn’t help my food. Because of all of this, among other small details about annoying neighbors, I’ve decided my next adventure is home ownership. I need something to belong in and to feel welcomed. I honestly do t feel welcomed in my duplex anymore… or my place of employment… that’s another blog entry. I have been looking at houses for sale in the area, making lists as to what I want, what Details I’m willing to negotiate with, my price range, good neighborhoods, back yards, etc. my mom and I even drove around taking numbers of realtors and looking at homes for sale. I did my own research, looked up my credit report and score which is above average! Made an updated goal of getting out of debt and working on increasing my savings.
I can feel like this will be the start of the next chapter of my life… which I know will be quite an adventure…and adventure that I welcome!