I do what I do to help others. I help others get stronger physically, assist with getting dressed, safety in all aspects of life, I listen to people vent…etc.
I always strive to do my best at everything I do:
Cooking a recipes, writing in my journal, in my yoga practice, caring for my dog, caring for my family, cleaning my house and I take pride in what I do for my career. I am a therapist at a nursing home/rehab facility and overall enjoy what I do. I hold a secret… I never think I’m good enough at my job, I constantly criticize myself- thinking I could have done better in every situation.
I’ve always been extremely hard on myself. I was known as a perfectionist by my family. Always striving for the best in school, drill team, in my personal life. I would stay up all hours of the night to study, rehearse all dance numbers till my legs were jello, watch what I ate to look like I should… I obsessed over everything to be the best. Now, I research diagnoses, appropriate exercises for each patient, think about various work situations and treatments after work hours, hell I even dream about work.
I always have thought I have just been anxious and worry constantly about work. Lately I have felt that it is so much more! Like something is wrong with me, that I’m scared people will think I don’t know what I’m doing.
So of course, I did some research on this feeling.
I found a syndrome called impostor syndrome.
It’s a feeling of being inadequate, feeling that you are a fraud and that people will find out…even though you may be successful at your job/career. It’s a feeling so strong that it makes me feel physically ill. I will lay in bed and think of the whole day, each minute replays and what I could have done differently or done better.
I have spent many sleepless nights rethinking each patient’s treatment, each conversation with them, conversations with co-workers. Researching how to make myself better at my job. Thinking that my patients, family and co- workers would find out the truth about me. That I’m a fraud. That I don’t know what I’m doing. This is a daily struggle for me. Even though I went to school for therapy, complete CEUs, have hales many people, worked in different settings. I have helped so many patients in ten years of practice but I do not see that. I see the negative. I see the people I have failed or my perception of failing.
Impostor Syndrome has robbed me of many years. My whole 20’s was ruined by this. I didn’t realize many people suffer from this- many celebrities: Kate Winslet, Natalie Portman, Emma Watson, Ryan Reynolds, Amy Adams, Michelle Pfeiffer, etc. Mostly women suffer from this but I found a few men that suffer from this as well… or maybe women are just apt to confess this.
The point is, if you suffer from this as well you are not alone. Do your research, talk to someone, get this out. Don’t suffer alone. 💜