A work in Progress….

I have been absent for a couple of weeks from this blog. I mean I have written a few reviews but that’s it. I have been busy with work, a lot of yoga, my wonderful boyfriend, and the continued work on myself. I have been…very happy. I can tell, others can tell as well. You want to see proof? Of course you do!

Not a perfect picture, my hair is in my face, I could name so many things wrong with this picture but I won’t. I’m just happy. And calm. And less anxious. And have a clearer plan of my life and what I would like to accomplish. As of this moment I am at peace with the last several years, what I’ve been through and I’m the happiest I have been in a long time! Now since we have talked I have been on a great adventure to a horror convention. Texas Frightmare Weekend was a blast the first weekend of May. This year I only attended Saturday- trying to stay in a budget- yay for adulting lol. You can read my post on Texas Frightmare Weekend for the details! I also saw Justin Timberlake for the third time-you can see my review on his tour for the details- you don’t want to miss that one!

Since these adventures, my anxiety has been creeping back in very slowly….

At the end of last year, I worked with a health coach/life coach which completely changed my life and my relationship with food…. how I view food, no more dieting and how I view my body. I did so much work on myself at that time and it set me free from dieting but my negative thoughts have been creeping back in lately. The thinking I’m fat, pulling at fat, criticizing myself in front of every mirror, every picture is under a microscope. I’ve had to revert back to my journal from that time with the life coach to calm my mind…. which has helped some. I’ve noticed the binge eating is back mildly…. I’ve been trying to eat something healthy each day, pay attention to my feelings when I’m eating and making sure that I’m actually hungry when eating and not eating due to emotions. Man, this is difficult for me but it does get better…. Now, I do work out but as of the last week I had a few days off, wasn’t as active and my water intake was below my average. When that happens, it throws my mood off and the negativity starts to come back. Even though I know this, it will still happen, which is frustrating.

I canceled my gym membership– or it’s on my list to do 🙂 I do workouts at home, go to yoga classes consistently! I enjoy my workouts, I’m not a slave to the gym. I absolutely hate the gym!

I do yoga at home with Ellie Mae. I also love going to CommUNITY yoga! It’s a great but super tough work out. I mean I feel like I’m going to die, but somehow I find the strength to finish- kinda like trials that I’m going through. Yoga has helped me put a different perspective on situations and see all situations differently and from all angles. I handle life with more calmness now which is so much different than I used to be. Any situation would throw me into an anxious mode and throw my whole day off- now I just handle things as they come…no worries. I mean I still have my anxious days but they are far less in between.

Yoga has taught me to let go and to BREATHE! You know how difficult it is to breathe? Not very but difficult to consciously remind my body to take deep breaths and not hold my breath. I hold on to so much just by holding my breath- so it helps me to start the day with a simple yoga sequence and meditation. I have several sequences in books and on my Pinterest page. If y’all want me to do a blog about that, let me know and I would be glad to!

Hopefully this message will find who needs it… and you will begin healing and or continue to heal!❤️

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Review of MOTW Tour Dallas,TX @ American Airlines Center May 28, 2018

MAGICAL!

It may sound silly, but it’s the gods honest truth!

Everyone who knows me on a personal level knows how big of a Justin Timberlake fan I am! I have been a fan since his days on the reboot of The Mickey Mouse Club days. Growing up we did not have the Disney channel but I remember the old tv I had in my bedroom could be on that channel and turning the antenna just right you could pick up the channel- only fuzzy. But still I could watch the show! Then came *NSYNC….. my walls were covered with posters of them and JT! I remember recording their music videos so I could learn the dances to their songs- ask my sister and mom and they will tell you! Haha! Then came his solo career!!! And it’s always been on my list to see him live- so far I’ve seen Justin three times in concert!

So first, I went with my friend but we didn’t get tickets together- same section just a few rows apart, but that didn’t stop us from having a blast! I think I was the loudest one in my row! Haha!

The show started and I stood and danced the whole time! I knew every word to every song- along with some dance moves!

The stage and set was gorgeous! I heard about the woodsy theme but wasn’t sure I was going to like it but I absolutely loved it! There was even a place in the show with a campfire- fake of course!

And the dancing- wow, he never disappoints and neither do his dancers!

Every number was awesome in its own way! I think each show of JT’s gets better each time!

I had to get a selfie with the stage of course! It’s a tradition for me!

Review of Texas Frightmare Weekend

If y’all know me, you know I love to attend a good convention! Full of the nicest people, cool gear to buy, cosplay, celebrities, autograph and photo lines, and panels about the things we love! Texas Frightmare is my favorite convention because it’s everything Horror related! And this year they did not disappoint. Now I only attended one day this year due to me trying to budget more and saving money. Budgeting and saving is for the birds…. but that’s for a different blog post!

Texas Frightmare Weekend is in Dallas,TX at the Hyatt Regency hotel at the DFW airport. It’s always the first weekend in May. It’s a weekend full of movies, meeting new people, meeting your favorite celebrities, listening to panels from celebrities, buying the coolest merchandise and just people watching!

I usually attend a convention with a family member or members…. this year I went with my mom. She shares the same appreciation for the old school horror movies! This year included a Child’s Play reunion as well as most actors that played Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th franchise! Which is one of my favorites. Of course all the cosplayers are also one of my favorite things to see and trying to guess from what movie they are from.

We usually get to the convention early to get in line to get to an autograph line first! This year we did just that! First in our list was Matthew Lillard- from Scream, SLC Punk, Thirteen Ghosts, Scooby-Doo…

He was one of the nicest people that I ever met- I know I say this a lot but this time I really mean it! We were first in line that morning for him. First of all he told me I was adorable which of course made me giggle. We chatted about what if nobody was in his line today, asked me what my favorite scary movie was-Scream of course! And if I was here alone— which then I replied,”no,my mom is here with me!” He then replied that I needed friends lol! Then my mom interjected that I would come here alone anyways! He laughed! When we walked away he wished me luck finding friends! Haha!!

Next on the list was meeting Kane Hodder, my favorite Jason Voorhees! His line was very long of course! He was very nice, joked a lot, and I had him sign a picture for Kyle since he is also a big fan!

We then met Ethan Embry from Can’t Hardly Wait, Empire Records, Sweet Home Alabama, etc. Super nice guy, gave me a hug twice, talked about 90s music, and he shook my moms hand!

I had him autograph my Empire Records album!

This was my only phot Op of the day! Photo with Kane Hodder in costume as Jason Voorhees! Super awesome experience and scary at the same time! Yes the machete is real!

We walked around a lot- saw cool merchandise, cool cosplay, and just cool people!

Of course next year I’ll be back! It’s always a fun time at Texas Frightmare Weekend!

Life is not always easy.

I have been M.I.A. for about a week…I apologize for that. My life has been weird to say the least. I think I’ve been feeling this way for a long time… I am just going to say it, to get it out in the open. I am not sure what I’m doing in my life.

I know this may come as a shock…since I was a teenager I strived for perfection: the perfect grades, my perfect career, the perfect marriage, the perfect marriage…I could go on for ages. Being perfect is something I continue to struggle with. In my life, I have gone up and down with perfection- struggled to achieve it and then coming to the realization it doesn’t exist and then back to achieving it. Today I paused, wondered,”why try to achieve something that does not exist?”

What am I avoiding?

That is the question of my life.

I’m in constant avoidance of something- change in jobs, change in eating habits, needing a change of medication, avoiding a responsibility…avoiding confrontation.

I understand I need change to grow but why can’t I just sit still enjoying where I am? Why do I think I need to figure out my life in one night after an awful day at work? Why must I run when situations get tough?

Now, after today I do feel like running- running from my job, from my career…. like something will change- like a change will make my whole life better. Change is good in a healthy way. I need to face fears, confrontations… to grow, to be who I am supposed to be.

As of now, I am facing many things hat are challenging, that are not pretty. My job is a mess…literally. Construction, dust everywhere, noise galore…all while trying to make others feel better…when I don’t feel myself or capable of helping anyone. Maybe that’s why I’m struggling with my career: I am not well so how can I expect to help others get well? It’s something I have struggled with for the last six months or so…maybe even longer. Also, I feel as if what I do isn’t enough. It’s a constant struggle…and if I’m not seeing results, I always blame myself. It’s the easiest thing for me- to be hard on myself. If someone doesn’t achieve something- it’s got to be my fault. Not that it could possibly be the many other things they have going on medically, emotionally, psychologically. This constant feeling is difficult to deal with day in and day out.

My only way to deal with this constant feeling has been my practice with yoga. As of lately, my yoga practice has taken an increase and a challenge that I can’t put into words. It’s a feeling. The way my body feels when it hits the mat, the way my breath changes and my focus becomes on my body, my breath, engaging each muscle… it’s a feeling I can’t explain. I feel the electricity run through my body with each pose, sweat off my body, my core engaging with each pose and how my body is happy to hear that it’s time for Shavasana!

I am not addicted to yoga- as if that would be an issue!?! I am addicted with how it makes me feel- how electrified I feel after, how alive my body is not only physically but mentally. How I feel I can accomplish anything…

Which leads me to another important piece of my life that makes me feel the same way… my boyfriend. I never knew being with someone could have that affect on me- make me want to do better, be a better person and feel okay with not being okay. Let’s be real- he has seen me at my worst, ha! He has seen me not only cry, but seriously ugly cry- tears, blotchy skin, snot for days to where you can’t talk without crying more- hat kind of ugly cry. And guess what- he still thinks I’m pretty- or so he says, ha! He has seen me happy, pretend to be happy, angry, upset… and he still loves me. A person that loves you during all those emotions- and I’m an emotional roller coaster- has got to be a keeper.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this blog entry… I’m kinda just rambling. Maybe this makes sense to you. This is how the inside of my brain looks like, jumbled thoughts. It’s why I make lists. Like today, while doing paperwork at work, I make a list about next weekends convention, housework to be done this weekend, a reminder to write in my blog, ha, and to remind myself to look at CEUs to renew my therapy license this year. Just so I could get those thoughts out of my mind to make room for things I needed to accomplish at that moment. That’s why I make lists- to organize my thoughts so I can get on with the moment. I keep sticky notes everywhere, notes/lists on my phone, lists on my fridge,etc. This is one reason why people think I’m weird😂

Even though my life at the moment is full of uncertainty about the future, my career, etc, these are a few things that keep me going.

My Ellie Mae, even though she can be a big pain in my big butt!😂 I love her no matter what!

How could you not love her, look at her face!

My yoga practice is very important to me. It keeps me grounded, full of prospective, and gives me energy and love for others as well as myself. After a class I feel as if I can get through any situation with the strength I have gained through class.

Ahhhh did someone say coffee?!? It’s what gets me started every morning. I started getting a coffee subscription from Porch Culture which is fabulous!❤️

Oils help me with many things: anxiety, nausea, headaches, colds, etc. A great friend gave this bottle of Valor for increased mood and positivity to get me through my work days since I have been struggling..

My boyfriend helps me in so many ways- cleaning, cooking, helping with my anxiety…

So I think of these things plus a few other things when times get tough, when I struggle, when people try to bully or call you out. I did a lot of crying, thinking, praying and talking about a few struggles. My realization is it is not worth my time or energy to worry about these things. To worry about it gives it power. I will not let it take power over what I’ve accomplished and all the work I’ve done on myself over the last few years. This is just a bump in the road. I know myself, what I believe in, and I will continue to be me.

Not trying to impress anyone or please anyone.

A day of gratitude.

If you have been following my blog, I’m sure you have seen my ups and downs: my flaws, my struggles, my constant anxiety as well as my growth. Right now as I’m writing this- my living room window is open, fresh air coming in, Ellie looking out the window and I’m at the kitchen table soaking it all in…being still.

Today’s word of the day is Gratitude.

It has been on my mind and a struggle for me lately. I tend to think of the things I don’t have..things I haven’t achieved yet- having a family, owning a house, or being an adult. In reality, I have so much to be thankful for- my family that supports what I do, being independent, having a great career, being healthy, being able to walk, having someone special in my life, I have a dog who loves me…I am able to do so much and experience so much and don’t take enough time and think how lucky I am.

I am thankful to have a healthy body that allows me to complete a work day of helping people.

I am thankful for my body’s ability to be strong enough to complete yoga, running and weights so I can be healthier and stronger!

I am thankful for my awesome dog, Ellie Mae who loves me unconditionally!

I am thankful that I have a boyfriend willing to help me no matter what…

I have an awesome family that will drop anything to help me.

The list can go on and on…

Today I have been still- for the most part.Reflecting on things I have, people I have, what I am able to do in the moment!Stillness is very difficult for me. I’m constantly moving, making lists, trying to get my life “together”…trying to clean up the mess that is my life. I read an except of a book- can’t remember the name, sorry- basically saying that there is beauty in the mess that is your life. Nothing is ever perfect- even though I try my best to make t perfect, i never succeed and soon try to move on to the next task that will make my life “perfect”. It’s a constant battle and oh so tiring. Before my boyfriend left for class this morning, he told me to stay in bed and just rest… which I did for an hour and hike I drank my coffee. It was nice to just be still and enjoy that moment. I can’t remember the last time that I was still, enjoying the moment as is and not thinking of the million things I need to do. I am often trying to get my list done for the day. Today I had things to do- some I finished and most I didn’t and that’s okay… or at least I’m trying to make it okay…

Sitting here, sun beaming on me, breeze through my hair feels perfect for this moment. I think I’m where I’m supposed to be… I think my life is a mess and nowhere near perfect but I’m okay with that at the moment.

I have so much to be thankful for and just don’t take time to think of these things daily. I will do better…I am setting a goal to take a few minutes out of each day to name at least two to three things in thankful for each day!

Let me ask, what are y’all thankful for? Leave your answers in the comments please.

A change is going to come

The last one to two weeks have been challenging. Nothing particularly big has happened… I’ve just been doing some thinking…which always gets me in some sort of trouble.

Before we dive into this anymore, let’s take a step back in my past.

I have a failed marriage, I have never owned a home, I don’t have children…. I just feel like I’m late to the party of life. I always said life is like the game Monopoly and those who know me know I can’t play Monopoly to save my life and I usually have a meltdown in the middle of the game. See, I’ll start out thinking and strategizing the game. Then I either get too careful or too reckless and start slowly making mistakes and spin out of control…just like life.

I always compare my life to Monopoly…and I have yet to win at it.

It seems like I can’t win at life either… failed marriage, incapable of saving, I rent a place to live instead of own, I have yet to have children. Now, I will say, the last three years my life has really come together but things are still missing. A slew of issues lately have made me fall back into this rut of focusing on what I don’t have…this weekend was a low for me. A weekend of crying and a feeling of failure. In the first time in a long time I prayed… like actually prayed, not the cooking cutter praying. The not knowing the perfect thing to say, and just praying for a peace to come over me. Late Sunday night that happened. It seemed my thoughts were put into order instead of clutter in my brain and a clutter on lists on a notepad by my bed.

Now, I’m still recovering from the attempted break-in into my duplex. I’m still on edge about that…not feeling safe in my home, jumping at every noise, seeing everything as a threat. When my boyfriend is here that feeling goes away and I can sleep and relax. This weekend there was a short in my bathroom that has yet to be fixed… the breaker that was turned off because of it, I didn’t realize went to my refrigerator/freezer so all my food was ruined since I didn’t realize this until two days after the fact. I turned the breaker back on but this doesn’t help my food. Because of all of this, among other small details about annoying neighbors, I’ve decided my next adventure is home ownership. I need something to belong in and to feel welcomed. I honestly do t feel welcomed in my duplex anymore… or my place of employment… that’s another blog entry. I have been looking at houses for sale in the area, making lists as to what I want, what Details I’m willing to negotiate with, my price range, good neighborhoods, back yards, etc. my mom and I even drove around taking numbers of realtors and looking at homes for sale. I did my own research, looked up my credit report and score which is above average! Made an updated goal of getting out of debt and working on increasing my savings.

I can feel like this will be the start of the next chapter of my life… which I know will be quite an adventure…and adventure that I welcome!

Expectations, modern dating and the internet

Today was the first day back to work from having four days off. It was a difficult day filled with mixed emotions, anxiety, and overall unhappiness. I dwelled on this all day. I have not been unhappy in a true sense in a long time.

I have bad days like everyone in this planet but a true sense of unhappiness I don’t usually have. This really bothered me today. Now the weather was dreary today, I missed my 5am coffee and meditation time and did not style my hair much less wash it. Basically my self care did not happen this morning. Since I didn’t care for myself I could not care for others fully like I need to be able to. I felt like I half showed up today to work….. I never wanted to be that kind of therapist and early in my career vowed to not be like that…. but here I am.

I did discuss this with several people over the last several months- a lot of people understand and reached out with ideas- change of setting, change of career, time off, etc I’ve done the change of setting before and yes it does help… time off doesn’t really help, or doesn’t help me and change of career is something always in the back of my mind. Writing does help with organization of these thoughts which then helps my feeling my of helplessness. Setting goals and having something obtainable to focus on helps as well. I have found that setting goals in general not only helps with my feelings of work issues but also helps increase my mood in my personal life. I started Couch to 5k yesterday- I’ve wanted to run a 5k for several years but was always told that I most likely could not finish it. Well I decided to just do it. I am a firm believer that I can do anything if my mind is set in a positive direction! My first day of Couch to 5k was not as bad as I thought and believe I can do this! Also the burst of endorphins after this was AMAZING. So this is something I want to add to the many workouts I enjoy and most importantly keep me healthy!

Something that keeps me from my healthiest potential is negative thoughts towards the opposite sex….now I will say since I’ve started dating someone exclusively my thoughts of men are getting more positive, but I’ll have a negative thought every now and then. Last night, after my run, gym time, hot bath and laundry I chose to wind down and watch a movie to relax. I resorted to Netflix to find a movie… I found an interesting movie called Bad Match- basically about an online dating site involving a swipe and how one guy who uses it for one night stands and ghost women makes a bad match with the wrong women who becomes obsessive. I had to turn it off even though it was for entertainment purposes. It brought back memories of dating after my divorce. I will just say dating in the modern world is quite awful! Every dating site is awful filled with robots, married men, emotionally unavailable men, and the guy only looking for one thing. I turned off the movie after about twenty minutes so I didn’t get to the part where the girl was obsessive. Basically the first twenty minutes consisted of the guy swiping and sleeping with a new girl every night while using the same exact cheesy pick up line about her drink aura. Now if some guy used that line on me I would walk out of the date. Now I’m not saying women are innocent in dating, I’m just reporting my own experience. I like to think I’m nice overall and a good catch but still ended up falling for complete jerks! Now I’m not saying dating sites don’t work because I did meet my current boyfriend off one, I’m just saying I had to go through a lot of interesting experiences, hurtful experiences to find him. Now all those experiences were worth it and I learned from each one. I kept a journal of my experiences with dating sites… you should have seen the crude messages I received! I think the internet has made our society rude, less interactive in person, and a feeling of entitlement. For example, one guy who I went in just ONE date with expected a roll in the sheets after taking me out to a fancy dinner. I really wasn’t surprised as he gave off a douchey vibe but appalled since I have not experienced that first hand before. Then after I declined nicely, he expressed that I have an inability to connect to the opposite sex. Now, I won’t lie that hurt my feelings briefly but then I thought about what he said… I connect just fine to people in my life. Now I am a little guarded but that is because of men like this. I just don’t let anyone in my life or in my pants to be honest. Let’s just say there was no second date… sucks for him since he lost out on someone great. Luckily for me he showed his true colors in less than 24 hours… most men do. Now, the only regret I made that night was wasting a new dress on that occasion! But I’m a believer of going through situations for a reason… I’m a stronger person for it and I now what qualities to look for in a partner… and I found someone!