I have been M.I.A. for about a week…I apologize for that. My life has been weird to say the least. I think I’ve been feeling this way for a long time… I am just going to say it, to get it out in the open. I am not sure what I’m doing in my life.
I know this may come as a shock…since I was a teenager I strived for perfection: the perfect grades, my perfect career, the perfect marriage, the perfect marriage…I could go on for ages. Being perfect is something I continue to struggle with. In my life, I have gone up and down with perfection- struggled to achieve it and then coming to the realization it doesn’t exist and then back to achieving it. Today I paused, wondered,”why try to achieve something that does not exist?”
What am I avoiding?
That is the question of my life.
I’m in constant avoidance of something- change in jobs, change in eating habits, needing a change of medication, avoiding a responsibility…avoiding confrontation.
I understand I need change to grow but why can’t I just sit still enjoying where I am? Why do I think I need to figure out my life in one night after an awful day at work? Why must I run when situations get tough?
Now, after today I do feel like running- running from my job, from my career…. like something will change- like a change will make my whole life better. Change is good in a healthy way. I need to face fears, confrontations… to grow, to be who I am supposed to be.
As of now, I am facing many things hat are challenging, that are not pretty. My job is a mess…literally. Construction, dust everywhere, noise galore…all while trying to make others feel better…when I don’t feel myself or capable of helping anyone. Maybe that’s why I’m struggling with my career: I am not well so how can I expect to help others get well? It’s something I have struggled with for the last six months or so…maybe even longer. Also, I feel as if what I do isn’t enough. It’s a constant struggle…and if I’m not seeing results, I always blame myself. It’s the easiest thing for me- to be hard on myself. If someone doesn’t achieve something- it’s got to be my fault. Not that it could possibly be the many other things they have going on medically, emotionally, psychologically. This constant feeling is difficult to deal with day in and day out.
My only way to deal with this constant feeling has been my practice with yoga. As of lately, my yoga practice has taken an increase and a challenge that I can’t put into words. It’s a feeling. The way my body feels when it hits the mat, the way my breath changes and my focus becomes on my body, my breath, engaging each muscle… it’s a feeling I can’t explain. I feel the electricity run through my body with each pose, sweat off my body, my core engaging with each pose and how my body is happy to hear that it’s time for Shavasana!
I am not addicted to yoga- as if that would be an issue!?! I am addicted with how it makes me feel- how electrified I feel after, how alive my body is not only physically but mentally. How I feel I can accomplish anything…
Which leads me to another important piece of my life that makes me feel the same way… my boyfriend. I never knew being with someone could have that affect on me- make me want to do better, be a better person and feel okay with not being okay. Let’s be real- he has seen me at my worst, ha! He has seen me not only cry, but seriously ugly cry- tears, blotchy skin, snot for days to where you can’t talk without crying more- hat kind of ugly cry. And guess what- he still thinks I’m pretty- or so he says, ha! He has seen me happy, pretend to be happy, angry, upset… and he still loves me. A person that loves you during all those emotions- and I’m an emotional roller coaster- has got to be a keeper.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this blog entry… I’m kinda just rambling. Maybe this makes sense to you. This is how the inside of my brain looks like, jumbled thoughts. It’s why I make lists. Like today, while doing paperwork at work, I make a list about next weekends convention, housework to be done this weekend, a reminder to write in my blog, ha, and to remind myself to look at CEUs to renew my therapy license this year. Just so I could get those thoughts out of my mind to make room for things I needed to accomplish at that moment. That’s why I make lists- to organize my thoughts so I can get on with the moment. I keep sticky notes everywhere, notes/lists on my phone, lists on my fridge,etc. This is one reason why people think I’m weird😂
Even though my life at the moment is full of uncertainty about the future, my career, etc, these are a few things that keep me going.
My Ellie Mae, even though she can be a big pain in my big butt!😂 I love her no matter what!
How could you not love her, look at her face!
My yoga practice is very important to me. It keeps me grounded, full of prospective, and gives me energy and love for others as well as myself. After a class I feel as if I can get through any situation with the strength I have gained through class.
Ahhhh did someone say coffee?!? It’s what gets me started every morning. I started getting a coffee subscription from Porch Culture which is fabulous!❤️
Oils help me with many things: anxiety, nausea, headaches, colds, etc. A great friend gave this bottle of Valor for increased mood and positivity to get me through my work days since I have been struggling..
My boyfriend helps me in so many ways- cleaning, cooking, helping with my anxiety…
So I think of these things plus a few other things when times get tough, when I struggle, when people try to bully or call you out. I did a lot of crying, thinking, praying and talking about a few struggles. My realization is it is not worth my time or energy to worry about these things. To worry about it gives it power. I will not let it take power over what I’ve accomplished and all the work I’ve done on myself over the last few years. This is just a bump in the road. I know myself, what I believe in, and I will continue to be me.
Not trying to impress anyone or please anyone.