A day of gratitude.

If you have been following my blog, I’m sure you have seen my ups and downs: my flaws, my struggles, my constant anxiety as well as my growth. Right now as I’m writing this- my living room window is open, fresh air coming in, Ellie looking out the window and I’m at the kitchen table soaking it all in…being still.

Today’s word of the day is Gratitude.

It has been on my mind and a struggle for me lately. I tend to think of the things I don’t have..things I haven’t achieved yet- having a family, owning a house, or being an adult. In reality, I have so much to be thankful for- my family that supports what I do, being independent, having a great career, being healthy, being able to walk, having someone special in my life, I have a dog who loves me…I am able to do so much and experience so much and don’t take enough time and think how lucky I am.

I am thankful to have a healthy body that allows me to complete a work day of helping people.

I am thankful for my body’s ability to be strong enough to complete yoga, running and weights so I can be healthier and stronger!

I am thankful for my awesome dog, Ellie Mae who loves me unconditionally!

I am thankful that I have a boyfriend willing to help me no matter what…

I have an awesome family that will drop anything to help me.

The list can go on and on…

Today I have been still- for the most part.Reflecting on things I have, people I have, what I am able to do in the moment!Stillness is very difficult for me. I’m constantly moving, making lists, trying to get my life “together”…trying to clean up the mess that is my life. I read an except of a book- can’t remember the name, sorry- basically saying that there is beauty in the mess that is your life. Nothing is ever perfect- even though I try my best to make t perfect, i never succeed and soon try to move on to the next task that will make my life “perfect”. It’s a constant battle and oh so tiring. Before my boyfriend left for class this morning, he told me to stay in bed and just rest… which I did for an hour and hike I drank my coffee. It was nice to just be still and enjoy that moment. I can’t remember the last time that I was still, enjoying the moment as is and not thinking of the million things I need to do. I am often trying to get my list done for the day. Today I had things to do- some I finished and most I didn’t and that’s okay… or at least I’m trying to make it okay…

Sitting here, sun beaming on me, breeze through my hair feels perfect for this moment. I think I’m where I’m supposed to be… I think my life is a mess and nowhere near perfect but I’m okay with that at the moment.

I have so much to be thankful for and just don’t take time to think of these things daily. I will do better…I am setting a goal to take a few minutes out of each day to name at least two to three things in thankful for each day!

Let me ask, what are y’all thankful for? Leave your answers in the comments please.

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A change is going to come

The last one to two weeks have been challenging. Nothing particularly big has happened… I’ve just been doing some thinking…which always gets me in some sort of trouble.

Before we dive into this anymore, let’s take a step back in my past.

I have a failed marriage, I have never owned a home, I don’t have children…. I just feel like I’m late to the party of life. I always said life is like the game Monopoly and those who know me know I can’t play Monopoly to save my life and I usually have a meltdown in the middle of the game. See, I’ll start out thinking and strategizing the game. Then I either get too careful or too reckless and start slowly making mistakes and spin out of control…just like life.

I always compare my life to Monopoly…and I have yet to win at it.

It seems like I can’t win at life either… failed marriage, incapable of saving, I rent a place to live instead of own, I have yet to have children. Now, I will say, the last three years my life has really come together but things are still missing. A slew of issues lately have made me fall back into this rut of focusing on what I don’t have…this weekend was a low for me. A weekend of crying and a feeling of failure. In the first time in a long time I prayed… like actually prayed, not the cooking cutter praying. The not knowing the perfect thing to say, and just praying for a peace to come over me. Late Sunday night that happened. It seemed my thoughts were put into order instead of clutter in my brain and a clutter on lists on a notepad by my bed.

Now, I’m still recovering from the attempted break-in into my duplex. I’m still on edge about that…not feeling safe in my home, jumping at every noise, seeing everything as a threat. When my boyfriend is here that feeling goes away and I can sleep and relax. This weekend there was a short in my bathroom that has yet to be fixed… the breaker that was turned off because of it, I didn’t realize went to my refrigerator/freezer so all my food was ruined since I didn’t realize this until two days after the fact. I turned the breaker back on but this doesn’t help my food. Because of all of this, among other small details about annoying neighbors, I’ve decided my next adventure is home ownership. I need something to belong in and to feel welcomed. I honestly do t feel welcomed in my duplex anymore… or my place of employment… that’s another blog entry. I have been looking at houses for sale in the area, making lists as to what I want, what Details I’m willing to negotiate with, my price range, good neighborhoods, back yards, etc. my mom and I even drove around taking numbers of realtors and looking at homes for sale. I did my own research, looked up my credit report and score which is above average! Made an updated goal of getting out of debt and working on increasing my savings.

I can feel like this will be the start of the next chapter of my life… which I know will be quite an adventure…and adventure that I welcome!

Expectations, modern dating and the internet

Today was the first day back to work from having four days off. It was a difficult day filled with mixed emotions, anxiety, and overall unhappiness. I dwelled on this all day. I have not been unhappy in a true sense in a long time.

I have bad days like everyone in this planet but a true sense of unhappiness I don’t usually have. This really bothered me today. Now the weather was dreary today, I missed my 5am coffee and meditation time and did not style my hair much less wash it. Basically my self care did not happen this morning. Since I didn’t care for myself I could not care for others fully like I need to be able to. I felt like I half showed up today to work….. I never wanted to be that kind of therapist and early in my career vowed to not be like that…. but here I am.

I did discuss this with several people over the last several months- a lot of people understand and reached out with ideas- change of setting, change of career, time off, etc I’ve done the change of setting before and yes it does help… time off doesn’t really help, or doesn’t help me and change of career is something always in the back of my mind. Writing does help with organization of these thoughts which then helps my feeling my of helplessness. Setting goals and having something obtainable to focus on helps as well. I have found that setting goals in general not only helps with my feelings of work issues but also helps increase my mood in my personal life. I started Couch to 5k yesterday- I’ve wanted to run a 5k for several years but was always told that I most likely could not finish it. Well I decided to just do it. I am a firm believer that I can do anything if my mind is set in a positive direction! My first day of Couch to 5k was not as bad as I thought and believe I can do this! Also the burst of endorphins after this was AMAZING. So this is something I want to add to the many workouts I enjoy and most importantly keep me healthy!

Something that keeps me from my healthiest potential is negative thoughts towards the opposite sex….now I will say since I’ve started dating someone exclusively my thoughts of men are getting more positive, but I’ll have a negative thought every now and then. Last night, after my run, gym time, hot bath and laundry I chose to wind down and watch a movie to relax. I resorted to Netflix to find a movie… I found an interesting movie called Bad Match- basically about an online dating site involving a swipe and how one guy who uses it for one night stands and ghost women makes a bad match with the wrong women who becomes obsessive. I had to turn it off even though it was for entertainment purposes. It brought back memories of dating after my divorce. I will just say dating in the modern world is quite awful! Every dating site is awful filled with robots, married men, emotionally unavailable men, and the guy only looking for one thing. I turned off the movie after about twenty minutes so I didn’t get to the part where the girl was obsessive. Basically the first twenty minutes consisted of the guy swiping and sleeping with a new girl every night while using the same exact cheesy pick up line about her drink aura. Now if some guy used that line on me I would walk out of the date. Now I’m not saying women are innocent in dating, I’m just reporting my own experience. I like to think I’m nice overall and a good catch but still ended up falling for complete jerks! Now I’m not saying dating sites don’t work because I did meet my current boyfriend off one, I’m just saying I had to go through a lot of interesting experiences, hurtful experiences to find him. Now all those experiences were worth it and I learned from each one. I kept a journal of my experiences with dating sites… you should have seen the crude messages I received! I think the internet has made our society rude, less interactive in person, and a feeling of entitlement. For example, one guy who I went in just ONE date with expected a roll in the sheets after taking me out to a fancy dinner. I really wasn’t surprised as he gave off a douchey vibe but appalled since I have not experienced that first hand before. Then after I declined nicely, he expressed that I have an inability to connect to the opposite sex. Now, I won’t lie that hurt my feelings briefly but then I thought about what he said… I connect just fine to people in my life. Now I am a little guarded but that is because of men like this. I just don’t let anyone in my life or in my pants to be honest. Let’s just say there was no second date… sucks for him since he lost out on someone great. Luckily for me he showed his true colors in less than 24 hours… most men do. Now, the only regret I made that night was wasting a new dress on that occasion! But I’m a believer of going through situations for a reason… I’m a stronger person for it and I now what qualities to look for in a partner… and I found someone!

Love, self care, and learning to slow down.

I’ve been in such a great mood lately.

Complete strangers have noticed and commented on how happy I look especially when I’m with a certain person. He makes me feel happy, want to make my life better, try new things,etc. I honestly haven’t felt this way…….EVER.

I woke up to this on Saturday morning. Kyle cuddling with Ellie Mae- made my heart melt. They are both so sweet and both like me very much. While watching them, I realize everything will be okay. How I was feeling last week doesn’t matter and seems so small. I forgot everything in that moment….I knew everything was going to be okay. I didn’t want to move and disturb either of them that morning. I sat like this for an hour while everything was peaceful. I did a little meditation during this time and thought about what I’m thankful for and all the positives in my life. This is a long list and I won’t bore y’all- I just take things for granted that make me happy. I need and am trying to make time each morning for reflection and meditation time for the physical, mind and spiritual aspects of my life. I don’t take the time for things like this often and tend to just rush through each day trying to get through it while i miss everything that passes me in this process. I wake up just in time to go to work, I work 7-8 hours a day, I go to the gym/work out, go home and cook/play with my dog, then clean like a mad woman only to go to sleep and wake up to repeat. I was/am exhausted from living my life like this! I want so much more than this. The only thing I have to say to myself is that my house is immaculate…that is so boring and I want so much more than a clean house. I want to travel, I want to be and give love, I want to be the best I can be! I want to wake up feeling refreshed, go to a job I love, wake up next to the person I love, and fill my life with one of a kind experiences. I want to try new thing even if I may fail. Making mistakes is part of life and makes us stronger.

This last Friday, I went to an aerial yoga class with a guest instructor. In the back of my head I knew it would be different than other classes I’ve been to since each teacher has a different style of teaching… but it was so difficult for me. Old jordan would have gave up, walked out…. but new Jordan watched and listened and tried most of the new things. I’m still getting over a back injury so some of the tasks I watched others, laughed, visited with others or tried only once to ensure less soreness for my back. It was a positive experience for me overall. New and old faces, welcoming of others, challenging myself. A day of growth which is more important to me than just learning “new tricks”.

The next two days, I’m off work. Time for rest, positive thinking, surrounded by loved ones and self care… time to slow down, be grateful for what I have… and not letting past thoughts ruin my time off. This happened this morning. I thought of everything I did wrong in the last three years, all the mistakes I’ve made- old Jordan would curl up in a blanket and sleep. That’s my defense mechanism with past mistakes, current mistakes, impending doom- sleep. When this happens I can sleep for hours and hours- hiding from my problems. Now I face them. I set goals to conquer them. Now, it’s still difficult for me but I don’t want to waste time thinking what if. It’s not helpful or fair to me.

NOT TODAY SATAN!

Random Thoughts Tuesday

Maybe I’ll start a hashtag on Instagram #randomthoughtstuesday

As of this weekend, I’m more ADD than I have been in a long time. I can’t concentrate- not at work, not at home, not even in yoga class…. no, I will not eat green eggs and ham! Ha! See complete randomness.

To tell y’all the truth, I have started to write five different blog posts in my journal…and I can’t seem to focus to finish one of the posts. Sometimes I write them in a journal before typing it on here to get my thoughts organized. This week I have had severe difficulty with organization of my thoughts. I honestly think it’s my increased anxiety. See, I haven’t been working out consistently due to low back/hip pain. I have been consistent with seeing a chiropractor a couple times a week and being a good patient and doing stretches consistently. This means I have slowed down on gym time as well as yoga classes. For me this means increased anxiety, depression and panic attacks. Exercise and being active plays a ginormous part in regulating my depression and anxiety along with medication and meditation- looks confusing, eh? I always thought maybe I could get off my medication one day but have come to the realization that my brain chemistry needs it to regulate what my body is missing. So, what I’m saying is I need exercise like I need water and food, without it my mood is off which affects my day. I have been so down on myself the last few weeks- my body image, my life, what I haven’t accomplished…

…but today I went to the gym! Last Sunday I went to a gentle yoga class and Monday/Tuesday I took Ellie Mae for a walk in the neighborhood. This has greatly increased my mood! I feel super happy at the moment.

Now, another thing that controls my life is my OCD nature of constantly cleaning my house. It’s ridiculous how many times I sweep in a day, constantly dusting, vacuuming the couches and rugs, etc. Let’s get real, I live by myself with my dog… my duplex stays very clean. This obsession I have has always been a coping mechanism…procrastination. I have things that do need to get done. I have a list but always end up cleaning to avoid this… this was brought to my attention when I was in therapy many years ago. I brushed it off at that point… I didn’t think it was an issue to be so clean, but now I see that it gets in the way of me living my life. So, I set up certain days that I will clean so I can have more time to blog, write, spend time with family/friends/boyfriend and Ellie Mae. Hopefully this will help free up some time since I always think I don’t have enough time!

Also another random thought for today is… I am thinking about adding running to my list of work out and training for a 5k. I figured setting a goal will definitely help me stay focused. Since I need to slow down with doing yoga and I need something to help with depression I thought running would be a good option. We will see how that goes…

Another random thought- started a coffee subscription from porch culture coffee. Super excited about this and we all know I have a slight addiction to coffee… just a slight addiction.

Oh speaking of yoga, I’m going to an aerial yoga class Friday night with a special guest instructor- super excited about this!!

Well, that is enough randomness for today! ❤️ much love

Never Have I Ever

I never get mushy or show my emotions.

I hold emotions inside myself, until I cannot hold them anymore and I explode- usually in an angry way and never at the person I should have that conversation with.

Communication has always been an issue for me. I used to just stay quiet and avoid conflict. It was easier for me. If a friend had an issue with me- I would stay quiet, if a wrong was committed against me- I would stay quiet, if someone hurt me- I would stay quiet….

the word CONFLICT just makes me uneasy.

Now, I am great at putting words onto paper, words on a blog, etc but when it comes to verbally expressing myself, I get anxious- knots in my stomach, face becomes red, my heart pounds out of my chest and I become weak and dizzy.

That was the old me. The new me is trying to communicate better, think before I speak…

I have grown so much the last few years.

I will actually express to you what I want. I will tell you if you hurt me…..

But why is it so difficult for me to express when I’m anxious or depressed? Why do I feel like I have to hide it? Why must I feel like everything has to be perfect? Why won’t my mind SHUT UP sometimes?

I am asking myself these questions as I finally lay down to go to bed. I haven’t sat down since getting home around 6:30 tonight. I keep myself “busy”. I’m sure it’s a coping mechanism for avoiding whatever I need to accomplish. I always have a list or am making a list… my mind is a constant list. I am almost 100 percent sure I have OCD. I check my doors at least 5 times before go to bed, I make constant lists, I constantly clean even when my house is spotless.

Honestly, I’m sleep deprived, in physical pain, and anxious. I’m not really sure what I wanted this Blog Post to be about or the route it’s taking. I just kept writing whatever comes to mind.

RANDOM

This is what it’s like to inhabit my mind- it’s complete and utter chaos. I figure if you looked in my mind all you could see are letters, words, and fragments. I start one thing and then I go to another before I finish the first project.

I’m constantly moving. You know how exhausting that is?

My current obsession is my weight and how I look. I have had low back and hip pain lately and I’m taking some time to heal which means not working out… that is killing me. I feel like I now weight a ton. I know I haven’t gained any weight by how my clothes fit I just feel like I have gained. It’s all in my head. For me exercising helps my mood, my depression. The last three weeks have been depressing. This weekend was a low one… my back was in excruciating pain. I could barely walk. I had to rest this weekend which is so difficult for me. I feel like I have to constantly move, constantly clean to feel productive. Like the cleanliness of my house determines how good of a person I am. I thought about what I haven’t been doing- yoga and circuit training. I follow a lot of healthy, workout pages on social media so that doesn’t help with my depression. Looking at bikinis doesn’t help my depression and most importantly looking in the mirror doesn’t help my depression.

I’m not writing this for you to feel sorry for me. Just expressing how I feel. Most people think I’m always happy but behind my smile is a lot of darkness.

It’s all in my head

Gosh.

Where do I begin? I feel like my life is a roller coaster at the moment. One day I’m happy, the next I’m said, the next I’m irritated. My emotions are definitely high.

I’m having flashbacks of the last three years: friendships, past jobs, mistakes I’ve made, asshole guys, etc.

my body is constantly tense, can’t relax. I have been seeing a chiropractor for the last two weeks to help with lower back pain and rotated hips. With each adjustment I think past experiences are being released. Things that I have buried are coming to the surface. Things I wanted to avoid. Maybe the body does keep score, even if I want to forget them. I did read several articles on how the hips and pelvic region hold tension and emotions from traumas, bad memories, etc. Stretching, meditation and yoga are supposed to help with this but I’m unsure why it didn’t work for me… also read you are supposed to let your body release these memories. Most likely why it did not work for me…I don’t deal or acknowledge things done to me. I always say “I’m okay” even when I’m not. Everyone has their own issues so why I should I burden someone with my own issues. But for today I spent hours thinking about what situations molded me into the person I am today…I cried over them, wrote them down and tore the paper into small pieces…those situations are small compared to how high above them that I am. So if you see me tomorrow I may have super puffy eyes…just saying.

I had someone tell me today that I always look happy… I wanted to say to her,”if you only knew what is going on in my head.” My head is filled with lists of things I need to accomplish, cleaning tasks at home, organizing my house- making sure it looks perfect like a magazine, what workout class or gym I’ll be going to, etc. Perfectionism is something I’ve always struggled with- looking perfect, making perfect grades, having perfect hair, the perfect house, the perfect relationships…. but perfect doesn’t exist. I know it doesn’t exist so why do I still struggle with being perfect?

This has been on my mind lately. Why do I dwell on such small things, things that don’t necessarily matter but tear me apart with each thought… things that are upsetting and unattainable.

If you look at me closely you will see dark circles under my eyes, lines in my skin, dull skin and usually a forced smile. I was looking at my skin today and just horrified at what I saw…. and then I reminded myself that I’m not young anymore. Then I thought to myself, just a few months ago I was doing a self love challenge and where did all the love that I found for myself in that time go….. I talk about myself like I am my own enemy…I criticize every little thing about myself…I notice every flaw about myself…I criticize how I do my job…I have started back comparing myself to others.

Jordan… that is the old you. I have to remind myself that I am doing the best that I can do at the moment.

I am letting not only my body heal but also my mind and soul which is much needed. I’m hoping by next week I can return to yoga and get back on my gym schedule. Working out regularly helps regulate my mood and decreases my depression. I was thinking of maybe switching up my workout routine…. maybe adding Pilates a couple times a week for increased strength and trying running for my stress level. It has been beautiful outside lately so I may try running in my neighborhood. I’ll let y’all know how that goes. Speaking of stress level… I have 57 hours of PTO that I have not used and it’s only March!!! I need to use this time. I’m thinking of taking a day off a month for writing and reading a book.

I have several books I want to finish and want to read… also I am writing more lately.. about past experiences, memories, online dating, doggy memories, family memories… I’m not sure what I’ll do with them. I’ve been looking at writing a book but not sure what topic I want to write about. Maybe I’ll start with short stories on this blog. Whoever reads this please give me some insight. I’m begging you.

As always writing this had calmed me down and made my mood increase.

Until next time…xoxo