Merry Christmas 🎄

Merry Christmas to all y’all!!!! Or Merry Christmas ya Filthy Animals😂

As we are closing in on the year, I have reflected and this year has been one of the best years ever!

There has been a lot of self work this year from journaling, seeing a life coach, getting serious in my yoga practice, and reading a lot of self help books. A lot of growth has been made mentally and emotionally on my part. Now I’m not saying this was easy by any means because it wasn’t. I had to dig deep in places that I did not want to go…. places that I hid. It was important for my growth for my future that I exposed these areas to patch up myself….. to make myself improved for the future to come.

Holidays have always been kind of…. different in our family. This year did not disappoint. A family emergency happened, won’t go into detail as that would be another blog post in it’s self. Christmas was spent going to the hospital, eating, opening presents, spending time with family and napping. I think today I took a three hour nap which never happens. It was much needed though but I most likely will not be able to sleep tonight! Overall Christmas was good…. here lately every situation has been good even though I have been challenged this year. My tolerance has increased….my ability to embrace change has increased drastically. My panic/anxiety attacks have decreased drastically this year! At this point I have some awesome things/people in my life. I strongly believe 2018 will be the happiest, most epic year for me!

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Procrastination, Emotional Eating and the Girl.

Where do I begin?

Anxiety, work stress, Ellie Mae’s behavior, procrastination equals me pulling my hair out….. well almost.

I will say my emotions run high this time of year due to my past. I’m easily overwhelmed and I do tend to procrastinate when I get like this. To all my out of state family, your packages are in the mail……as of today! Better late than never! I love y’all.

Aside from procrastination, I’m also easily annoyed….My neighbor’s dogs have been barking at everything in sight, including the wind. The dog is also right by my bedroom window preventing me from sleeping- also Ellie Mae’s beauty sleep has been affected……and I can tell by her behavior. To tell you the truth, I’m ready to send her off to the kennel for the weekend so I can have some peace and quiet.

Work tends to be more stressful this time of year I think due to my personal life having a lot of action- holiday parties, family get togethers, dates, gym, yoga class…. trying to cram all this in is stressful. When my emotions are like this, I can cry at the drop of a hat…. which I have. This leads to a headache, swollen eyes and then emotional eating. I skipped breakfast this morning- a restriction I usually do, ate a sandwich for lunch, drank three cokes, had coffee, ate a whole bag of muddy buddies, and a bag of popcorn. This is something I have not done in such a long time….. this is the old me coming though today.

I did do some positive self care- hot bath, essential oils, and meditation…..this helped some.

Then I get a message about a family emergency…but thankfully everything is okay at the moment.

I try to look at the positive of every situation. This is the new me. ❤️

Transformation Tuesday…… I’m a cliché

So today, I realized for the first time how much my body has changed in the last three years.

I have friends tell me,”you look good” or “you’ve lost so much weight”. Today looking at a picture from 2015, I realized how much different I look.

Gasp! Yeah, that’s a big difference…. I’ll do you one better! This one was from when I was married about four years ago!!

i was a major stress eater/binge eater at this point in my life. This is a result as major stressors in my life!

I could pick apart everything wrong with my physical appearance in each picture but I won’t. The old me would have done that. The new and improved me not only looks better physically but is also healthier mentally. Since I’m healthier mentally you can really tell in my physical appearance as well. I’m not only skinnier, my skin glows, my smile is genuine, I’m stronger mentally and physically.

This is a current picture of myself! Such a big difference in the last three years! Looking at this pictures I believe this current one makes me look younger.

My body is also stronger, which helps with my line of work. I do cardio, lift weights, go to yoga classes…. which I enjoy. I enjoy the rush of endorphins I get with each workout. I love the way my body feels: stronger, muscle soreness, skin glowing and most importantly I feel calm.

I believe that’s why I work out so much: to reach pure calmness. My anxiety is overall decreased, heart rate has returned to normal, and most importantly less panic attacks.

So yes, not only do I look better, healthier but my mental state is so much better than three years ago.

I am Jordan and this is my transformation❤️

Holiday Blues

Holidays are supposed to be full of cheer!

Instead they can be full of stress, anxiety, loneliness, stretching yourself too thin etc….

I did get a Christmas gift in the mail today from my Uncles and my little cousin. It’s a plant attached to a crystal! Super unique gift that I love! I need help deciding where it should go!

This week I have been more anxious than normal. Stressed about work or more so, the lack of work. Now, yes I am burned out on my career at the moment but a girl has to pay for Christmas and her bills. Work has been a little slow lately but thankfully we are starting to increase patients at work. Good for therapists but bad for the patient 🙂

I have been more anxious about getting the “right” gifts for everyone and getting them out in time. Well guess what, I’m sure my packages will be late as I just finished my shopping and have to get each box together. Gifts are different this year, I tried to get more wholesome and family oriented things for people this year. My focus on myself the past year has really put in perspective what is really important in life. I think my gifts I have bought show that this year.

I am stressed about getting back on my Dave Ramsey budget starting back in January. I have made lists of what I’ll be cutting out starting in January and have already canceled my Hulu account and looking at canceling my music account. Budgeting is difficult for me but I’m super serious about it. I am closer to my goals than I have ever been, this year during the holidays I just get side tracked.

This week I started back at the gym and yoga consistently. I feel better as far as body strength and body image. Will continue tomorrow with a trip to the gym.

Ellie Mae did get pampered today and had her nails trimmed and I bought her a new collar and leash!

I’m about to pass out while writing this so I guess it’s safe to say writing lowers my anxiety and calms me! Now if I could only do this for a living!! 🙂

P-A-R-T-Why? Because I gotta!

This time of year is for coming together, bringing happiness to others, spending time with family and friends and celebrating Christmas! That is for most people….. for people like myself it is about heartache, trying times, and increased anxiety/depression. Or that used to be me. I would avoid parties or get togethers, make excuses for my absence, and have panic attacks at the thought of spending time with others.

This year I have worked very hard on not only my physical self but more my emotional self. I have read various self help books, listened to motivation speakers, experienced a motivational speaker, journaled, meditated and went to the gym and a lot of yoga classes. I am becoming okay with myself not only physically but my full self. I used to feel not worthy of having an opinion, speaking up for myself, deserving of healthy friendships or relationships. I have realized I am worthy, I am loved, and I am so worth of everything!! I deserve the best life I can make out of it.

So last night I attended my work department Christmas party. Now I have been to work holiday parties before but not really interacted due to anxiety and fear of rejection. Which seems so silly since I spend so much time with this awesome group of people. I spend more time with them than my own family so why be anxious or fearful around them. Answer there is no reason!!!

We had a wonderful time full of good food, a lot of laughter, good fellowship, and a gift exchange….. there was also pics, a live Christmas tree, reindeers and WINE! 🙂

Basically, looking back I have made so much progress with allowing myself to be around others, hug others, and just be myself!

They say it’s your birthday🎉🙋🏻🎉❤️

December 2nd…. the day I was born.

It was funny, last night I had a dream about the past…. like a lot past memories. It was like the ghosts of Birthday pasts. A lot about my childhood, several about high school and a few memories about my 20’s. With that last statement I guess the cat is out of the bag, I’m in my 30’s, 32 to be exact. Boy do I feel old, but looking in the mirror I don’t look old. Well, except for the grays poking through, good news is I have a hair appointment next Saturday to cover those.

The day before my actual birthday was one of the best days in a long time. It started with a happy birthday serenade by two of my favorite friends as I walked in the door. After a night of crying this brought me back to tears, but good tears. Then my awesome friends/co-workers showered me with gifts, thoughtful cards, letters, texts, and yummy food and cake topped with trick candles😂🎉 The day was filled with so much joy that hugs were given and if you know me that is a big deal! Later that night I had a yummy dinner with my parents and sister which was a good time as usual filled with lots of laughs…. even got to see some little brothers have a knock out drag out while waiting in line😂

This brings me to today, my birthday. It has been a relaxing day filled with texts, Facebook messages, coffee in bed, cuddling with Ellie Mae, watching tv in bed, and working on my future manifesto. Not bad for a 32 year old. I’m taking this day to reflect on what I’ve learned and been through this past year and how I can make this next year better!

Another Day in Paradise

Today was a day like any other:

  • Wake up
  • Can’t make myself get up
  • Don’t want to go to work
  • I’m okay at work but just going through the motions.

Off early to go to a doctors appointment. Today I’m fidgety, have sweaty palms, increased HR, increased BP, weak legs, dizziness- my normal. This is what it feels like for myself to live with anxiety and depression. Some days are better than others. Today just happened to be a bad day. I try to hide behind my sense of humor and smile.

Some days are just more difficult than others. Today was one of those days. When you doctor hands you a depression and anxiety checklist and asks you to fill it out so they can keep it on file, it just makes the feeling more real. Like maybe the last 10 years were a dream, like today felt like a foggy dream. The last 10 years have felt like a complete fog, like a bunch of wasted time. I remember a few memories here and there it not much. I used to have a good memory, I used to be able to concentrate, I used to have energy, I used to have the heart to do my favorite things.

Now my days are full of pep talks, sleeping for “five” more minutes, feeling of being angry for zero reason, and motivation from others just to do everyday things. If I want to do something extra forget it! That’s what my depression and anxiety do. They are to blame for the life that I have. The canceled plans with friends and family, being a homebody afraid of the next attack, afraid to open up due to feeling weird. At the end of the day I was reading this book. Told myself I would read the excerpt that I opened the book to. It was so fitting for today. Basically it was about not changing yourself and allow yourself to be. I cannot change how I am, just accept it and make peace with it! ❤️❤️❤️

I try to do a few things during the day to help with these feelings:

  • Breathe. Deep breathing helps me…to calm down and slow my racing thoughts.
  • Write. I write in a journal and make lists to get thoughts out of my head to slow myself down.
  • Exercise. For me it’s yoga. I take toga classes 4-5 times a week. It helps strength my physical body and calms me mentally. Gives me clarity and helps me have gratitude.
  • Socialize. Talk to someone, reach out to someone. When I’m anxious talking helps me calm down and feel so much better.

So, if you find yourself living with these same symptoms…know that you are not alone. People are here for you. If you think this would benefit someone please share this with them.