It’s all in my head

Gosh.

Where do I begin? I feel like my life is a roller coaster at the moment. One day I’m happy, the next I’m said, the next I’m irritated. My emotions are definitely high.

I’m having flashbacks of the last three years: friendships, past jobs, mistakes I’ve made, asshole guys, etc.

my body is constantly tense, can’t relax. I have been seeing a chiropractor for the last two weeks to help with lower back pain and rotated hips. With each adjustment I think past experiences are being released. Things that I have buried are coming to the surface. Things I wanted to avoid. Maybe the body does keep score, even if I want to forget them. I did read several articles on how the hips and pelvic region hold tension and emotions from traumas, bad memories, etc. Stretching, meditation and yoga are supposed to help with this but I’m unsure why it didn’t work for me… also read you are supposed to let your body release these memories. Most likely why it did not work for me…I don’t deal or acknowledge things done to me. I always say “I’m okay” even when I’m not. Everyone has their own issues so why I should I burden someone with my own issues. But for today I spent hours thinking about what situations molded me into the person I am today…I cried over them, wrote them down and tore the paper into small pieces…those situations are small compared to how high above them that I am. So if you see me tomorrow I may have super puffy eyes…just saying.

I had someone tell me today that I always look happy… I wanted to say to her,”if you only knew what is going on in my head.” My head is filled with lists of things I need to accomplish, cleaning tasks at home, organizing my house- making sure it looks perfect like a magazine, what workout class or gym I’ll be going to, etc. Perfectionism is something I’ve always struggled with- looking perfect, making perfect grades, having perfect hair, the perfect house, the perfect relationships…. but perfect doesn’t exist. I know it doesn’t exist so why do I still struggle with being perfect?

This has been on my mind lately. Why do I dwell on such small things, things that don’t necessarily matter but tear me apart with each thought… things that are upsetting and unattainable.

If you look at me closely you will see dark circles under my eyes, lines in my skin, dull skin and usually a forced smile. I was looking at my skin today and just horrified at what I saw…. and then I reminded myself that I’m not young anymore. Then I thought to myself, just a few months ago I was doing a self love challenge and where did all the love that I found for myself in that time go….. I talk about myself like I am my own enemy…I criticize every little thing about myself…I notice every flaw about myself…I criticize how I do my job…I have started back comparing myself to others.

Jordan… that is the old you. I have to remind myself that I am doing the best that I can do at the moment.

I am letting not only my body heal but also my mind and soul which is much needed. I’m hoping by next week I can return to yoga and get back on my gym schedule. Working out regularly helps regulate my mood and decreases my depression. I was thinking of maybe switching up my workout routine…. maybe adding Pilates a couple times a week for increased strength and trying running for my stress level. It has been beautiful outside lately so I may try running in my neighborhood. I’ll let y’all know how that goes. Speaking of stress level… I have 57 hours of PTO that I have not used and it’s only March!!! I need to use this time. I’m thinking of taking a day off a month for writing and reading a book.

I have several books I want to finish and want to read… also I am writing more lately.. about past experiences, memories, online dating, doggy memories, family memories… I’m not sure what I’ll do with them. I’ve been looking at writing a book but not sure what topic I want to write about. Maybe I’ll start with short stories on this blog. Whoever reads this please give me some insight. I’m begging you.

As always writing this had calmed me down and made my mood increase.

Until next time…xoxo

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Humanism not Perfectionism

Okay, so I’m not a perfect person.

There I said it.

Which means I think awful things…sometimes I want people to stop talking, sometimes I don’t want to go to work, sometimes I want a change in my career, sometimes I eat unhealthy, I’m forgetful sometimes, the list goes on. I have been trying to be more positive in the last year. Overall I am a more positive person. I smile more- not in the mornings! I have seen changes with my finances, my way of thinking in a more positive light, I’m more organized, I’m overall happier, I make better choices in reference to my health, etc.

This is post was going to be about how I’ve noticed negativity has increased around me since being more positive. I’ve noticed more people maybe not wanting to be around me as much. I don’t think I’m overly annoying positive, I’m pretty real about most instances and some people see it as negative. From what I’ve been working on the last year, I’ve started to let go of negative things including negative people. That means my already small circle is slowly getting smaller. I’m okay with that though. So I’m not going to say anything negative about anyone and just focus on myself.

Speaking of focusing on myself, yoga has come back into my life. I am apart of a yoga challenge for 12 days that began on Valentine’s Day. It’s a heart opener series of poses.

Hopefully this will get me motivated to do more yoga, stay consistent with the gym, and continue to eat healthy. I have been using Hello Fresh for 3 meals a week, it’s awesome to have three full meals delivered to your door. Of course I cook it, but all ingredients come in the mail which is a huge convenience!

So far the dishes have been really delish! I have started with the veggie meal plan. After this week, I am starting to add meat to the plan. The dishes are perfect portions for me and I always have extra for work lunch the next day! Oh, did I mention that it’s affordable!? Well it sure is!

My self love/healthy journey is getting back on track which makes my heart happy as well as my body! ❤️ hopefully I continue on this path. I will need a little help from my friends to continue! ❤️✌🏻

Sometimes Anxiety Runs High

I was going to write a blog about my skin care routine but realized this would be more real…. more raw. I want to be the blogger that writes about skin care, make-up, online dating catastrophes but realized I would be hiding. I used to hide behind “perfection”. I know now there is no such thing as perfection. This took me over twenty years to figure this out.

As you know from a previous post, I make lists when I’m anxious- today was no different. I made lists to put clean dishes away, do laundry, sweep floors, feed Ellie Mae and Hello Kitty. Now these are things I do automatically but when my brain is in overload I have to make lists to get ideas/tasks “out of my mind” to calm myself down. I made another list of things to sell as well as items to decorate my office when I get my desk. I always tell myself,” things will be better when we get this done”. Whatever this may be. But the truth is, things are never better after accomplishing a task…. then it’s on to the next one, etc.

The last week has been a real challenge, ice/snow storm, playing catch up at work due to the snow, workings Saturday due to the snow, being so run down I made myself sick on Sunday…. then today, I woke up this morning and I promise I did not know what day it was. Our caseload at this point is not the easiest, construction at work is loud and oh so messy, I feel like my life is shifting and needing a change…. and I’m not sure what. So from all this I can tell my anxiety is through the roof.

I have been making it an effort to go to the gym, fitting yoga back into my schedule, meditation, and eating more healthy. I can tell how my body feels that I haven’t been the healthiest the last few weeks…. increased stress, pimples, dry skin, headaches, irritated easily, bloated, etc. I need to drink more water- can y’all help and remind me. Every time you see me remind me, remind me on Facebook, remind me on instagram, send me a text,etc. a lot of my issues would be solved with increased water intake.

My favorite book when I have an overwhelming day. I recommend it. not a perfect picture but a sweet picture of myself and Ellie

One thing I am grateful for this week is that our bodies are amazing and heal wonderfully! My index finger is almost completely healed!

Here’s to a better, more positive and less stressed week! ❤️