What is today?? No, but really….l

Hello all! How are y’all doing?

I am doing well. Enjoying coffee, nature and this beautiful weather in New England. Not looking forward to going back to work! But I’m looking forward to getting back to Texas! I always miss Texas when I’m gone.

I will say, I am having trouble remembering what the day it is. I’m discombobulated…. but I did see that today is National Writing Day so I decided to write. I wasn’t going to write while I was away but I can pass up today!

What to write about is the question….Maybe my “vacation” so far. It’s not really an actual vacation, I’m helping my grandfather that lives in Massachusetts make the big move to Texas to be closer to family! So this is an exciting but exhausting week for everyone involved! Moving is stressful but when it’s over state lines stress is increased!

We have had some fun this week…

1st let’s begin with a plane ride- I have not flown in 15 years due to fear and anxiety. So I did this! I didn’t worry about this at all!

on the second flight I even sat in the window seat! I even fell asleep for most of the flight! No panic attacks, increased anxiety or hyperventilation. I can do this more often now 🙂

Of course you cant go to Belchertown without going to Cindy’s- best ice cream and hot dogs around! I had the hazelnut ice cream! They have 100 flavors! Super yummy!

Then we took a stroll and a little hike through The Quabin Reservoir- which was beautiful as usual! It was peaceful and a good way to start the trip! It was a little chilly and of course I brought clothes appropriate for warmer weather.

We also had a quick visit with my uncles and princess Kensi- they treated us to lunch, drinks and good laughs!

Early this week I did get sick- extreme fatigue, nausea, chills, and inability to sleep. I had to get my family to stop at one point while driving so I could possibly vomit- just dry heaves happened thankfully. Since I was sick, I didn’t enjoy the good food up in the New England area. I stocked up on water and veggies. Finally by Wednesday I felt better but didn’t want to chance it so I had a salad for lunch. But looking back over the last year, I’ve really cleaned my body out and cook more healthy at home and rarely go out to eat so I think my body was in shock with all this food and a semi- long flight didn’t help and helped to increase fatigue in myself.

As I write this, we are waiting in our hotel waiting for a phone call for the house closing.

In conclusion, we are all ready to get back/to Texas. There is something about living in Texas- I always miss it. Texas is home, a community, and comfortable to me. This trip also symbolizes overcoming fear and anxiety!

I learned a very good lesson on this trip. Let me leave this with you, what things/experiences scare you, give you anxiety…but you would like to complete? What’s holding you back? I let my fear hold me back for 15 years and I missed so much. Don’t let that happen! Face your fears- you will be glad that you did!


Back to School

Every time I say the phrase,”Back to school” I think of Adam Sandler! But for serious, I’m going back to school for yoga therapy. It’s something I’ve dabbled with for several years. Now I have gone back to school a couple of times since graduating college. Each time was not the right time or it was not something I am passionate about.

I have mentioned in past blogs that I have been consistently doing yoga for the last three years or so. Yoga has healed me from my pain of my divorce, perfectionism, that I am enough, and given me confidence and bravery to try new things. Hell, I went to a yoga studio where I knew nobody to complete a workshop, met some awesome, super nice people and I continue to practice there! Old Jordan would not have done that, at all. I would have dabbled with the idea but would have passed on it and then regretted it.

The healing power of yoga is so great and has helped me so much- and continues to help me- that I want to share it with others.

So I found the perfect certification for me: yoga therapy certification.

I was up on night as usual and researching yoga therapy and I stumbled onto Breathing Deeply Therapy School. I applied to the school on a whim, not thinking I would get into the school but just took a chance! A few days later I received a voicemail from the school saying they looked foreword to getting to know me through this journey. I was confused- Did I get in? I went through my email and found an email for the school congratulating me on my acceptance and saying I would be a perfect fit due to my occupational therapy assistant career.

I was super excited but I had a billion questions which lead me to communicate with the school through emails. Communication stopped as my life got busier and I stopped pursuing this for about two months. Then one day in yoga class something happened… I’m not sure what but space opened up inside me- I realized I have time to do this, I can make it happen, I can find the finances- stop making excuses and just do it. The next day I called the school and asked if my spot was still available- it sure was and that night I signed up to start classes in June at my own pace. I would also have to obtain a yoga teacher certification to finish the 800 hr portion of the school to become yoga therapy certified- which is something I’m also going to do….

I’ve realized lately that life is too short not to do the things that you want to do.

For instance, today I am getting on a plane to travel across the country. Three years ago that would have been a no go. Now I’m up for anything- now I will not jump out of a plane but I may think about it!

So, I challenge you reading this- what do you want to do that you think you can’t do? I bet you can do it but you just have to dig deep to allow yourself to believe that you can do it!❤️

A Little Bit of Happiness

Here lately I have been writing about anxiety and my increased struggles with it at the moment. Everything I have written has been about this topic so I thought I would change up the mood on this blog for a bit. Not that struggling with anxiety is not important, just thought some happiness would be better at the moment.

With that being said I want to talk about things that make me happy. And in turn, things that make me happy decrease my anxiety.

  • Yoga- I have been practicing yoga consistently for three years which has helped my anxiety, strength, endurance. It also makes me very happy. It’s challenging which makes me feel accomplished after I meet a goal for a challenging pose. I finally accomplished crow pose after two years of trying. Sorry, I don’t have a picture of me completing crow pose but I promise it has happened! 💪🏻
  • Fun in the sun- I absolutely love relaxing in a pool, on a float, soaking in the rays of sunshine! That’s what I did today after a long weekend of helping my parents clean and organize their house in preparation of my grandpa moving to Texas. That’s a whole other story and blog post in the near future 🙂

myself, today at my parents pool!

  • A good cup of joe always makes me happy. It’s the only way to start off the day. Of course with cream and sugar!myself in the morning with a JT mug 🙂
  • Family makes me happy. I visit and see my immediate family once a week. We talk about our jobs, life, past memories, future endeavors, etc. We travel together, watch movies, go to concerts, go out to eat, grill out, etc.

Myself with my sister at the Dr Seuss museum

Myself with my mom at the Bon Jovi concert

Myself with my Sister in Mass in 2015

Myself with my Mom and Dad in Vermont 2015

  • A good pair of jeans is pure happiness- the way it fits every curve and increases my confidence.
  • Next on the list is my boyfriend! He helps with anything you ask, is caring, is loving and just an all around good person. He makes me smile everyday.
  • My sweet Ellie Mae is next. She is my goofy, loving bulldog who is also a little stubborn. She has been with me through some tough times and does help when I have an anxiety attack. Look at her face!

Ellie Mae and myself during Christmas 2016

I have several people and things that help make me happy. Sometimes I have to look through my journals and list of what makes me happy to increase my mood. I have to remind myself of the great people and things that I have in my life.

I urge you reading this to get out a pen and paper and make your list of things that make you happy. You will be surprised as to all the great things and people that you have in your life.

Until next time. ❤️

Let’s talk about mental health

Let me start by saying that I hope y’all are well!

I really mean that.

Honestly, I was going to write an entry today about my current Stitch Fix box but something on my heart is much more important and just needs to be said. No worries- I will post about my box later 🙂

With the current events happening in our world….the rising suicide rates, I would like to say check on a friend. Make sure they are doing okay. It doesn’t have to be extensive, it can be a simple, hey, how are you really doing?” Or a simple I’m here for you.

As a person that lives with anxiety and depression, these small gestures do mean so much when life gets overwhelming and difficult. Sometimes life gets hard to deal with and some people may not have a good support system or may not feel like they have one…. also they don’t want to be a burden. I can say that from experience, I never want to burden someone with my issues. Not all, but most people don’t understand the severity of living with depression and anxiety and the amount of guilt that goes with having it. The feeling of letting people down, the constant feeling of shame, guilt, uneasiness, heightened anxiety…. all while masking it. Most people who don’t know me would not know how anxiety affects me- not by looking at me. The “shocks of electricity” feeling that runs through me, being easily over stimulated, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, random body pains and just a heavy feeling…. also insomnia. Now some of these symptoms are better as I have learned over the years how to manage my anxiety and what works for me- therapy, meditation, yoga, and meditation. I also journal. Journaling helps get all my thoughts especially the negative ones out of my head so hopefully they will stay on the paper only. A consistent work out schedule helps me- for me it’s yoga 3-4 sometimes 5 days a week. It keeps me focused, grounded and also helps with my physical appearance. Eating healthy also decreased my anxiety symptoms and I can tell when I eat junk food how it affects my mood.

I’m not saying that I’m healed at all. In my case, it’s a daily struggle. It’s something that I do not hide and deal with openly. I talk about my anxiety openly now. Maybe it will help someone else in the process.

We live in a world where we have hundreds of friends- on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter but are so disconnected with the world in the flesh….we are constantly in stores, work, out to dinner with our heads down in our phones. We don’t know how to verbally communicate anymore. For me, I communicate verbally- I’m awkward as hell but I own it lol. I smile at people when I walk by and will say hi. I’ve had many conversations in the grocery line with people- about random things. My view is you don’t know what anyone is struggling with- depression, anxiety, not fitting in, eating disorders, etc. A simple smile or hello can make someone’s day and maybe help them think”maybe I’m not so bad.”

What I’m trying to say is that we need to be kinder, more aware, and willing to listen. It could have a big impact on someone’s mental health. You could have a big impact on someone. Tell someone you appreciate them today. Ask them how they are and listen.

A work in Progress….

I have been absent for a couple of weeks from this blog. I mean I have written a few reviews but that’s it. I have been busy with work, a lot of yoga, my wonderful boyfriend, and the continued work on myself. I have been…very happy. I can tell, others can tell as well. You want to see proof? Of course you do!

Not a perfect picture, my hair is in my face, I could name so many things wrong with this picture but I won’t. I’m just happy. And calm. And less anxious. And have a clearer plan of my life and what I would like to accomplish. As of this moment I am at peace with the last several years, what I’ve been through and I’m the happiest I have been in a long time! Now since we have talked I have been on a great adventure to a horror convention. Texas Frightmare Weekend was a blast the first weekend of May. This year I only attended Saturday- trying to stay in a budget- yay for adulting lol. You can read my post on Texas Frightmare Weekend for the details! I also saw Justin Timberlake for the third time-you can see my review on his tour for the details- you don’t want to miss that one!

Since these adventures, my anxiety has been creeping back in very slowly….

At the end of last year, I worked with a health coach/life coach which completely changed my life and my relationship with food…. how I view food, no more dieting and how I view my body. I did so much work on myself at that time and it set me free from dieting but my negative thoughts have been creeping back in lately. The thinking I’m fat, pulling at fat, criticizing myself in front of every mirror, every picture is under a microscope. I’ve had to revert back to my journal from that time with the life coach to calm my mind…. which has helped some. I’ve noticed the binge eating is back mildly…. I’ve been trying to eat something healthy each day, pay attention to my feelings when I’m eating and making sure that I’m actually hungry when eating and not eating due to emotions. Man, this is difficult for me but it does get better…. Now, I do work out but as of the last week I had a few days off, wasn’t as active and my water intake was below my average. When that happens, it throws my mood off and the negativity starts to come back. Even though I know this, it will still happen, which is frustrating.

I canceled my gym membership– or it’s on my list to do 🙂 I do workouts at home, go to yoga classes consistently! I enjoy my workouts, I’m not a slave to the gym. I absolutely hate the gym!

I do yoga at home with Ellie Mae. I also love going to CommUNITY yoga! It’s a great but super tough work out. I mean I feel like I’m going to die, but somehow I find the strength to finish- kinda like trials that I’m going through. Yoga has helped me put a different perspective on situations and see all situations differently and from all angles. I handle life with more calmness now which is so much different than I used to be. Any situation would throw me into an anxious mode and throw my whole day off- now I just handle things as they come…no worries. I mean I still have my anxious days but they are far less in between.

Yoga has taught me to let go and to BREATHE! You know how difficult it is to breathe? Not very but difficult to consciously remind my body to take deep breaths and not hold my breath. I hold on to so much just by holding my breath- so it helps me to start the day with a simple yoga sequence and meditation. I have several sequences in books and on my Pinterest page. If y’all want me to do a blog about that, let me know and I would be glad to!

Hopefully this message will find who needs it… and you will begin healing and or continue to heal!❤️

Life is not always easy.

I have been M.I.A. for about a week…I apologize for that. My life has been weird to say the least. I think I’ve been feeling this way for a long time… I am just going to say it, to get it out in the open. I am not sure what I’m doing in my life.

I know this may come as a shock…since I was a teenager I strived for perfection: the perfect grades, my perfect career, the perfect marriage, the perfect marriage…I could go on for ages. Being perfect is something I continue to struggle with. In my life, I have gone up and down with perfection- struggled to achieve it and then coming to the realization it doesn’t exist and then back to achieving it. Today I paused, wondered,”why try to achieve something that does not exist?”

What am I avoiding?

That is the question of my life.

I’m in constant avoidance of something- change in jobs, change in eating habits, needing a change of medication, avoiding a responsibility…avoiding confrontation.

I understand I need change to grow but why can’t I just sit still enjoying where I am? Why do I think I need to figure out my life in one night after an awful day at work? Why must I run when situations get tough?

Now, after today I do feel like running- running from my job, from my career…. like something will change- like a change will make my whole life better. Change is good in a healthy way. I need to face fears, confrontations… to grow, to be who I am supposed to be.

As of now, I am facing many things hat are challenging, that are not pretty. My job is a mess…literally. Construction, dust everywhere, noise galore…all while trying to make others feel better…when I don’t feel myself or capable of helping anyone. Maybe that’s why I’m struggling with my career: I am not well so how can I expect to help others get well? It’s something I have struggled with for the last six months or so…maybe even longer. Also, I feel as if what I do isn’t enough. It’s a constant struggle…and if I’m not seeing results, I always blame myself. It’s the easiest thing for me- to be hard on myself. If someone doesn’t achieve something- it’s got to be my fault. Not that it could possibly be the many other things they have going on medically, emotionally, psychologically. This constant feeling is difficult to deal with day in and day out.

My only way to deal with this constant feeling has been my practice with yoga. As of lately, my yoga practice has taken an increase and a challenge that I can’t put into words. It’s a feeling. The way my body feels when it hits the mat, the way my breath changes and my focus becomes on my body, my breath, engaging each muscle… it’s a feeling I can’t explain. I feel the electricity run through my body with each pose, sweat off my body, my core engaging with each pose and how my body is happy to hear that it’s time for Shavasana!

I am not addicted to yoga- as if that would be an issue!?! I am addicted with how it makes me feel- how electrified I feel after, how alive my body is not only physically but mentally. How I feel I can accomplish anything…

Which leads me to another important piece of my life that makes me feel the same way… my boyfriend. I never knew being with someone could have that affect on me- make me want to do better, be a better person and feel okay with not being okay. Let’s be real- he has seen me at my worst, ha! He has seen me not only cry, but seriously ugly cry- tears, blotchy skin, snot for days to where you can’t talk without crying more- hat kind of ugly cry. And guess what- he still thinks I’m pretty- or so he says, ha! He has seen me happy, pretend to be happy, angry, upset… and he still loves me. A person that loves you during all those emotions- and I’m an emotional roller coaster- has got to be a keeper.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this blog entry… I’m kinda just rambling. Maybe this makes sense to you. This is how the inside of my brain looks like, jumbled thoughts. It’s why I make lists. Like today, while doing paperwork at work, I make a list about next weekends convention, housework to be done this weekend, a reminder to write in my blog, ha, and to remind myself to look at CEUs to renew my therapy license this year. Just so I could get those thoughts out of my mind to make room for things I needed to accomplish at that moment. That’s why I make lists- to organize my thoughts so I can get on with the moment. I keep sticky notes everywhere, notes/lists on my phone, lists on my fridge,etc. This is one reason why people think I’m weird😂

Even though my life at the moment is full of uncertainty about the future, my career, etc, these are a few things that keep me going.

My Ellie Mae, even though she can be a big pain in my big butt!😂 I love her no matter what!

How could you not love her, look at her face!

My yoga practice is very important to me. It keeps me grounded, full of prospective, and gives me energy and love for others as well as myself. After a class I feel as if I can get through any situation with the strength I have gained through class.

Ahhhh did someone say coffee?!? It’s what gets me started every morning. I started getting a coffee subscription from Porch Culture which is fabulous!❤️

Oils help me with many things: anxiety, nausea, headaches, colds, etc. A great friend gave this bottle of Valor for increased mood and positivity to get me through my work days since I have been struggling..

My boyfriend helps me in so many ways- cleaning, cooking, helping with my anxiety…

So I think of these things plus a few other things when times get tough, when I struggle, when people try to bully or call you out. I did a lot of crying, thinking, praying and talking about a few struggles. My realization is it is not worth my time or energy to worry about these things. To worry about it gives it power. I will not let it take power over what I’ve accomplished and all the work I’ve done on myself over the last few years. This is just a bump in the road. I know myself, what I believe in, and I will continue to be me.

Not trying to impress anyone or please anyone.

A day of gratitude.

If you have been following my blog, I’m sure you have seen my ups and downs: my flaws, my struggles, my constant anxiety as well as my growth. Right now as I’m writing this- my living room window is open, fresh air coming in, Ellie looking out the window and I’m at the kitchen table soaking it all in…being still.

Today’s word of the day is Gratitude.

It has been on my mind and a struggle for me lately. I tend to think of the things I don’t have..things I haven’t achieved yet- having a family, owning a house, or being an adult. In reality, I have so much to be thankful for- my family that supports what I do, being independent, having a great career, being healthy, being able to walk, having someone special in my life, I have a dog who loves me…I am able to do so much and experience so much and don’t take enough time and think how lucky I am.

I am thankful to have a healthy body that allows me to complete a work day of helping people.

I am thankful for my body’s ability to be strong enough to complete yoga, running and weights so I can be healthier and stronger!

I am thankful for my awesome dog, Ellie Mae who loves me unconditionally!

I am thankful that I have a boyfriend willing to help me no matter what…

I have an awesome family that will drop anything to help me.

The list can go on and on…

Today I have been still- for the most part.Reflecting on things I have, people I have, what I am able to do in the moment!Stillness is very difficult for me. I’m constantly moving, making lists, trying to get my life “together”…trying to clean up the mess that is my life. I read an except of a book- can’t remember the name, sorry- basically saying that there is beauty in the mess that is your life. Nothing is ever perfect- even though I try my best to make t perfect, i never succeed and soon try to move on to the next task that will make my life “perfect”. It’s a constant battle and oh so tiring. Before my boyfriend left for class this morning, he told me to stay in bed and just rest… which I did for an hour and hike I drank my coffee. It was nice to just be still and enjoy that moment. I can’t remember the last time that I was still, enjoying the moment as is and not thinking of the million things I need to do. I am often trying to get my list done for the day. Today I had things to do- some I finished and most I didn’t and that’s okay… or at least I’m trying to make it okay…

Sitting here, sun beaming on me, breeze through my hair feels perfect for this moment. I think I’m where I’m supposed to be… I think my life is a mess and nowhere near perfect but I’m okay with that at the moment.

I have so much to be thankful for and just don’t take time to think of these things daily. I will do better…I am setting a goal to take a few minutes out of each day to name at least two to three things in thankful for each day!

Let me ask, what are y’all thankful for? Leave your answers in the comments please.